Choosing Joy: FAIL

This past week has not been the greatest. And that's my fault. I have been doing a TERRIBLE job of choosing joy. I have allowed little things to absolutely ruin my day. Silly things, like this...

After a particularly depressing Friday evening in a fitting room, I decided to start the 30 Day Shred. I don't have weight to lose, just some, um, flabby parts I'd like to firm up (I've had three kids. If you've seen me pregnant, you understand about my belly). I had Pete get the dvd from my sis on Saturday. I got up Sunday morning, threw on some workout clothes, put the dvd in, and was ready to go. Until I realized that the actual workout portion of the dvd could not be started without a remote (you have to scroll down). No problem, just find the remote, right? Yeah, not so much. I turned the entire house upside down. The stupid remote was not to be found (and I still have not found it). I alternated between stomping around the house looking for the remote, crying because I was SO frustrated, and slamming the door to my room because I was so angry. I was also not-so-nice to my sweet hubby and kids. I SUCKED at being wife and mom that day. Over a remote. Well, and the fact that I was feeling very down about myself, and feeling like I couldn't do a thing about it. Like God didn't want me to find the remote, because, well, I don't know (silly, right?)!

The rest of the week has been marginally better.  I'm not being very patient with the kids or the hubster, but I'm trying. I'm stressed to the max because of our upcoming vacation, and when I get stressed, I tend to shut down. I get overwhelmed and can't. do. anything. Until the last minute, of course, when I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Pete's got Friday off, so we're going to start tackling our big to-do list together. That should help.


And always, in the back of mind, all day, every day, is the need to decide NOW about how we're going to grow our family, and when. I have been especially conflicted the past few days. My heart is torn in two directions. I KNOW that adoption is in our future. I also KNOW that I want to have another baby the old fashioned way. And my desire for one does not diminish my desire for the other. And I don't know which direction is the right one. My heart ACHES for a little brown-skinned Ethiopian baby girl whose face I've never seen, and my arms ache to hold my little fair-skinned newborn. I'm praying, y'all. Praying hard. And I still just don't know.