*Yawn*

I'm much too tired today to form a coherent post, so how about some bullet points?

*I do not like it when Wyatt is awake in the middle of the night. I especially don't like it when he chooses to ask me for things at 1am, and not his daddy.

*Insomnia sucks.

*It's amazing what you can convince yourself of in the middle of the night when your brain won't shut off.

*I love my kids, even at 1am. And I'm so thankful that they are here, and that they are healthy.

*Pete saw a mouse this morning. I thought we got rid of the mice. Crap.

*My sister got her adoption fundraiser t-shirts today. I want her to bring mine over, cause they look awesome!

*The kids just called me to come kill a big, nasty spider. *shudder*

*I need more coffee. 

20 Months!

That's how old my baby girl is today. Twenty months. Only four more months until her second birthday...she seems to be getting older much faster than the boys did. It's so bittersweet. I am absolutely LOVING watching her personality bloom. She is such a funny, cheeky, sassy little thing (when she's at home with her family, that is), but I can't help but miss my sweet little baby who wanted nothing more than to snuggle her mama.

I realized something the other day. By the time the boys were her age, I was hugely pregnant with the next baby. It's kind of weird...I feel like I should be having a baby in a month or so! Alas, it will likely be years before we have another little one in our home. The more we pray, the more we talk, the more we realize that our next child is meant to come to us through the miracle of adoption. If everything goes according to our plan (Hahaha, yeah right! Nothing ever goes according to plan!), Riley will be 8, Wyatt 6, and Lucy 4 when we bring our child home!!!! That seems like such a LONG time to wait, but if the first 20 months of Lucy's life are any indication, that time is going to FLY!

Speaking of flying, we leave for Oregon in 14 days!!!! YIKES! I can't wait to see all of our family and friends...but I'm not going to lie...I am NOT looking forward to flying with three small children. I am so thankful we were able to get non-stop flights, and they are late flights, so please pray that our children SLEEP! And pray that I am able to get everything done that needs to be done before we leave...I've been ignoring my to-do list for far too long, and now I'm starting to panic!

One more thing before I sign off today. I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful group of women in an on-line community. These women are just incredible, they way they come to together when someone is hurting, the way the celebrate each others joys and triumphs, how we can laugh and cry together at the same time. Last night, UPS brought a package to my door. I was a little confused, and started to worry I had been online shopping in my sleep! Imagine my surprise when I opened the package, and saw this beautiful Willow Tree figure!

Keepsake - "Kept forever in the heart"

 Thank you, girls. So much. Your love and friendship means the world to me! I'm so blessed to have this beautiful treasure, this keepsake of my sweet little baby lost. Love you all so much! Mwuah!!!

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Sometimes, you start with a seed. You water that seed, and you tend to it, and before you know it, you have a beautiful flower. But sometimes, you may be lucky enough to bring home a beautiful flower that simply needs a garden to grow in.

I think it's the same with children. And this is the question Peter and I have been asking ourselves, and asking God. How will OUR garden grow?

My sister and her husband have recently begun their adoption journey (you can follow them at Love Makes a Family ). It's been so incredible, watching God work in their hearts and in their lives...and as is the way of God, He began working in our hearts as well. We've spent time talking, praying, and thinking about our family, and where our next child will come from. We both feel as though we are meant to have another child, but we are beginning to believe that God has a different journey for us this time around.

We have been incredibly blessed with our three kids. I love pregnancy, and birth, and breastfeeding, and all things baby...and I'm lucky that those things come pretty easily for me. But just because we CAN have another child of our own...does it mean that we should? The thought of adopting our next child is exciting, and terrifying, and full of joy, and sadness (because you cannot have adoption without loss, for the child, for their first-mother and father...), but I do know this...if this is where God is calling our family, by gosh, I'm going to take that call.

If this is where our family is led, we hope to begin the process early next year. Adoption is SPENDY, and we need to pay off some debts, and make sure our ducks are in a row before we begin. We are anxious to grow our family, but we are trusting God's timing.

Would you pray with us, and for us, as we make this decision?

That's My Boy!

Riley. My sweet, smart, rambunctious, crazy 5 year old. This kid is just TOO smart for me! I am so blessed to be his mama!

Riley has recently taken a greater interest in writing, and with spelling help from dad, he wrote me this letter last night.

"Mom you'll be a pop star someday" and "Mom you are beautiful"

 

 

 

"Mom you're awesome, You'll be loved forever, love you forever, you're the best, Riley, I love you, to mommy"

 

 

 

 Seriously. Could I ask for a sweeter boy? And I don't know about you, but I am TOTALLY impressed by his penmanship!

So blessed.

The Hurt Before the Healing

You know how bad things happen to other people, and you pray that they will never happen to you? Well, sometimes, they still do.

Peter and I recently decided to add another sweet blessing to our family. Imagine my joy on that Friday when I saw those two pink lines after only 2 months of trying! That joy quickly changed to worry. I tested for two more days, and those lines never got any darker. In fact, they got lighter. Not a good sign. By Monday, the pregnancy was over.

Just three days. Three days with our fourth baby. To some, that little bundles of cells wouldn't be a life, but to me, it was our child. And, oh, my heart was broken. My heart is still broken, but healing a little more every day. It's only been nine days since our little one left us. I haven't cried in a few days, but putting it into words is bringing back the tears. The first 3 days were the worst. I sobbed, I asked God why I couldn't keep my baby, and I thanked Him for comforting me when I was hurting. Poor Pete wasn't quite sure what to do, so he just hugged me a lot. It was just what I needed.

I still wish I could have kept my baby. But I know that God has amazing plans for our family. And I trust Him. He hasn't let me down yet.

"...the pain you're feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming..."
Josh Wilson, 'Before the Morning'

Watch Me Bloom...

"Bloom where you are planted."

That's my new motto, my mission statement for my life. I'm learning to bloom. To be a better mama, a better wife, a better friend. To lean more on my Savior, and less on myself.

So follow me on this journey. I'm sure to have bad days, but I know that happiness is a choice, and I am CHOOSING joy!